Fear. Many things are deserving of a healthy dose of caution. Playing with rattlesnakes. Plutonium. The LBJ freeway. Blazing wildfires. Tidal waves. Hippopotamuses. Me using sharp knives.

Then there is the climbing wall at the gym.

On a whim, we took the kids to the gym last night during the open climb hours for some new fun. The place was deserted, as it was only 5 o'clock and we walked right up to the table with the attendants. They gave us our harnesses and asked if we had climbed before. I did some rock climbing in college on actual rocks, but never an indoor wall, so we said no. I did tell them I knew how to belay and could belay one of the kids. They said that they had 5 Auto-Belay stations and everyone can just climb on their own. (Note: Did you hear that? "Auto-Belay" You clip in and the cable actually holds tension as you climb, and then as you kick off to go down, it gently lowers you to the ground. Very nice.) So now I have no useful skills and I stand looking at the brightly colored fake-rock nubs on the wall. A tall wall. A very very very tall wall.

I clip Caroline on to the belay rope and she tentatively begins to scale the wall. I remember some climbing skills and start coaching her. (She is on auto-belay so I am just standing there like a doof.) She gets it. And likes it. She eventually makes it about halfway up the wall and needs a break. I clip her out and we walk to another section of wall (around the corner where NO ONE CAN SEE ME) and I clip myself in.

I start to scale up and after dropping back down 13-17 times (the auto-belay is fun) I start to remember how to climb. It is tough, but really fun. I inch my way up the wall and suddenly remember Caroline, who I had instructed to stay to the side of me, but close. I glanced down at her and AH! The child is fine but a dizzying, paralyzing fear shot through me. Nausea. Cold. My head is about to explode. I breathe shakily and hard. My entire body begins to tremble and I cannot go up or down. My hands clutch at the handholds and I feel my knuckles grate against the wall as I cling for, what feels like, my life. I lean my head against the wall and keep telling myself "This is not real. It is irrational. I am fine. Just look up." But no good. I am paralyzed, panting and shaking with fear.

Disgusted, I eventually force myself to let go and kick away from the wall. The auto-belay, as if mocking me, gently floats me to the ground. Caroline, unaware of my issues, says "Mommy! You were almost to the top! You were so high! Was it fun?" and then "Are you okay? Are you really scared? Really?" as she looks at my white face and trembling body and hands. I just leaned against the wall and tried to breathe. Irritated. And a bit mad.

Fear. An irrational fear of heights. Irrational reason, but the fear is real. And debilitating. And maddening.

I survey the wall. I had been about 30 feet up and only about 10 feet from the top. My hands calm down enough for me to clip out and clip Caroline in. She climbs for a bit and I watch and coach and calm down. A man walks over and says "I saw you climb. You were almost to the top. Why did you stop?"

Great.

A witness.

I want to tell him I just happened to like that particular fake red rock and once I saw it, I was done. Instead I breathed out "Fear of heights." and grimaced. "This wall does that to you." He replied. "After four or five tries, you'll be fine." "Yeah. Right." I thought.

Caroline signaled that she needed a break, so I clipped her out again and using a bit of irritated adrenalin, clipped myself back in. I stared up at the same section of wall and it mocked me with its fake rock and spatter paint and auto-belay. I told Caroline I wasn’t going to look down. She tells me not to be scared and pats my arm. I love my girl.

I start up and this time, eventually make it to the top. Thankful that no one can see my white, shaking face and hear my gut rumbling and my blood pounding through every vessel in my body, I kick down, done for the day.

Caroline waits again for me to stop shaking again so I can clip out. Her face is amazed as she asks "Is this really scary to you, Mommy?" I reply that it is, but that she (and I) are quite safe and that it is more like her being scared of a nightmare. It seems real and scary, but the danger is all in your mind. She looks at me concerned and a bit confused.

We go to her favorite spot and after a few tries she makes it to the top. She is a good little climber. And quite unafraid.

Unlike her mama.

Posted by stephanie at October 24, 2008 07:35 AM

I'm so impressed!! And empathetic with the fear of heights. Glad you made it to the top!!

Posted by: jess at October 24, 2008 09:57 PM

Well, my friend, you clipped in, which is about 5 steps further than I would have taken it right there.

Glad you made it back to earth safely! :)

Posted by: angie at October 25, 2008 01:57 PM

I don't mind heights if I'm enclosed with plenty of guardrails and don't have to look down. But what you describe sounds completely rational!

Posted by: Ruth at November 1, 2008 11:21 AM